Single Ladies in Your 30s (or 40s), Can I Get An Amen?

I’m late with my New Year’s resolutions. But in all fairness I was having some trouble thinking about what I wanted to create this year. My relationship and career goals haven’t changed much since 2011. I renewed my vision in both of those areas. Great. But I really took some time to think about what would make me happy this year. What would make me feel accomplished and alive. And there’s really only one answer though it makes me a little uncomfortable to even admit it: In 2012, I’m. Going. To. Have. Sex. Lots of really great sex.

(If you are reading this and you are a relative of mine and have the slightest inkling that the rest of this conversation is going to gross you out please leave this page now…)

OK now that my family has logged off (and disowned me) let’s really get down to business people. You all know how I feel about casual sex. I think by and large it’s the biggest waste of time ever and a truly substandard sexual experience. If the man you are having sex with has bad energy it can actually leave you feeling horrible for months after he’s been inside you. Because of this, I really haven’t had that much sex in my 30s. I’ve been doing the whole “waiting for love” thing in hopes of having a truly connected sexual experience with someone.

And guess what? It hasn’t happened. (With the exception of a few encounters with my ex-boyfriend, which I can count on one hand.) I’ve been listening to Steve Harvey, Pat Allen and all the other relationship experts who advise waiting 3 months of dating someone to have sex with them. And in that time the relationship often blows apart or they get fed up with the fact that you won’t have sex with them, and they leave. (At least that’s how it’s happened for me.) Now if a man is going to throw a tantrum like a little boy because you’re not ready to have sex with him, then let him leave, right? Agreed. That’s not my problem here.

My problem is that I am a healthy woman in my 30s and I’m horny as hell. Everyone always told me this was going to happen and I never believed them. They say women reach their sexual peak in their late 30s and I can tell you that that is absolutely true. (Although according to my older friends, you absolutely hit Heather Hunter status in your 40s.) I am so unbelievably sexually frustrated from taking the high road. My hormones are screaming at me to get preggers like now. But I want to wait for love. So what do I do? I can’t stop eating chocolate. I work out like a maniac just to move the energy. I’m going to start taking pole-dancing lessons this year in the hopes that maybe humping a steel pole will make me forget that I don’t have a suitable man to hump. I’m perpetually about to rape my co-workers, my client’s doormen, the D.I.L.F.’s at the Prospect Park playground who aren’t wearing wedding rings and the gorgeous Puerto Rican guy with the blue eyes that works at the cheese counter at Whole Foods. I dream about waking up next to those eyes as he says, “Buenos dias mi amor.” You know I have blue eyes and he has blue eyes and blue eyes is a recessive gene. That means that if we were to have kids there’s a 100% chance that our kid would have….OK WAKE UP JACKIE! You just spent $20 on half pound of raw goat cheese from Spain because you aren’t having sex. And do you think the cheese guy really gives a shit about Mendelian genetics? Walk away, just walk away.

I’ve had similar flirtations with the Whole Foods meat and fish guys too. I’m so desperate for sexual attention that I fear I’m becoming a Whole Foods floozy. (Maybe the attraction harkens back to our hunter-gatherer ancestors where I would have chosen a mate based on his ability to procure food. Ladies, don’t lie, you know there’s something ridiculously hot about the guys that work at the Whole Foods meat, fish and cheese counters. Maybe they put really sexy people back there so you don’t realize how much money you are spending, but God damn it works. Maybe they’re so hot because they eat organic food. In any case, I’m sold. I swear every time I’m in Whole Foods I feel like the lonely guy at the strip club spending my whole paycheck on a bunch of hot babes that couldn’t care less about me. But at least I get to go home with some good food…)

Now it could be years before I attract another long term loving relationship. We are only partially in control of these details in our lives. And you know what? I refuse to have one more year of my 30s totally devoid of sexual fulfillment! Refuse. Fuck that.

So what’s a woman to do?

Well there’s always meaningless sex with strangers. Vetoed. Can’t do it. Just can’t.

Sex with a male friend. This works for some people but not me. In fact, I’ll confess that not too long ago I had sex with a really good friend. And yes, it was great in the moment because we already knew each other so well. But afterward he freaked out and acted like a guy and ran away, then I freaked out and acted like a girl and started crying and it was all we could do to put our friendship back together with some modicum of normalcy. The friendship is still not the same. Sex changes everything between a man and a woman.

Then there’s the ever-popular stand-by booty call or fuck buddy. Hmm. I can’t really find a reason to veto this. But I also can’t find a reason to condone it. At this point in my life, this kind of sex is just boring, uninteresting and lame. I don’t care if your fuck buddy is the hottest, sexiest, Mandingo-est guy ever. If there’s no mental or emotional chemistry, I’d rather stay home and do something more stimulating with my time. Like have sex with myself. Or read Harry Potter. Or have sex with myself and then read Harry Potter. (OK I’m not gonna lie, I’ve totally done that. Wasn’t a half-bad way to spend a night either) But you get the picture. I need to be romanced and talked to and connected with before I have sex with someone. And I understand that it’s not the same for men. Most men just need to hear the words, “Let’s have sex” and they’ll respond, “You had me at ‘Let’s’”.

So I’ve decided that like the infamous Carrie Bradshaw, I am not only auditioning men for the role of my partner, but I am going to start taking applications for the role of “lover”. (I really love the first scenes with Alexsandr Petrovsky in “Sex and the City”. Here’s a good one).

So what is a lover? Well according to the Free Online Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it’s:
a : a person in love; especially : a man in love with a woman [I like this “lover” business so far]
b: an affectionate or benevolent friend [Nice touch]
c: a person with whom one has sexual relations [Straight to the point].
This is what I’m looking for. A man who’s in love with me, is a benevolent friend to me and that I have sexual relations with. How is this different from “a partner”? Hmm, I guess maybe a “lover” knows that they are not interested or ready for a relationship and still really loves/enjoys you in every possible way without any commitment or expectations or long-term plans. You still go to the movies and dinner with a lover. You like talking to a lover because they’re smart, sexy and funny. A lover should NOT be a co-worker. (You know it’s true. Just don’t do it.) It seems that a lover could certainly become a partner but it doesn’t always go that way.

I think I may have found a potential applicant.

I met this really cute guy in Brooklyn close to my house. He’s black Irish (and no I’m not talking about an Irish person that says they have dark features because of invasions by the Spanish Armanda or the Moors. His family left Africa and settled in Ireland around 2 centuries ago). So picture a 27-year-old black guy with very dark skin and a traditional Irish name. Hot. We’ll call him Collin.

Collin sells corporate insurance and is really nice (at least in the 2 dates we’ve been on). He likes to take me to independent films (which I love). I genuinely like hanging out with him, find him attractive and he’s just a little too young for me to take seriously (He’s 27. Guys in NYC generally don’t get serious until 35). But Collin could definitely get it.

But how long should I make him wait?

According to Steve Harvey and Dr. Pat Allen, 3 months. 3 months so that you know what you’re dealing with and can assess if this is a good relationship partner…but I already know he’s too young to be potential. What if I just want to know if he’s good enough to be my lover?

The answer comes from Laura Doyle who wrote, “The Surrendered Single”. She says that a woman should wait 1 month or 6 dates (whichever takes longer) before having sex with someone. No you probably won’t know if this is the man you want to give your heart and soul to after 1 month/6 dates, but you will at least know if you’re dealing with crazy. In my experience, this time period is all one needs for any serious cray-cray to come out and for me to alter my course.

So we’ll see if Collin passes the test. It’s only 2 dates in. 2 good dates, but who knows. I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, I’m taking the rest of the afternoon to go to Whole Foods after my jog in Prospect Park right after my pole-dancing lesson right after I stalk the last place that Daniel Radcliffe was spotted in Manhattan…